Slow News Day Roundup — The Record Eagle Hates Lawns

Record Eagle writer Troy Reimink wants you to know that lawns are bad. And capitalism is bad.

Reimink writes, “Why would anyone pour the world’s most precious resource, water, onto the ground to stimulate the growth of grass that they will later cut?”

So stop right there.

Reasons why people have lawns:

  1. They’re pretty
  2. It eats carbon dioxide and produces oxygen thus reducing one’s carbon footprint
  3. Grass reduces dust which may cut down on irritants and allergens
  4. Grass absorbs heat in the summer (you’re hotter on the pavement than the grass)
  5. It prevents erosion
  6. It’s way more romantic to sit on grass and look at the stars than sit on pavement or a space that’s left to grow wild
  7. Water balloon fights are also more fun on grass, along with backyard barbecues, volleyball matches, Cinco de Mayo celebrations, dance parties and pretty much anything else that you would want to do in your yard. Without lawns, lawn darts would just be darts. Croquet balls would get all dirty and then we’d all just have dirty balls.

Okay back to this, Reimink goes on. He says, “we’re stupid” for having lawns. He suggests sprinkling systems should be illegal. He lists capitalism as among “other terrible European inventions.” He puts lawns in the same category with white supremacy and colonialism. (he forgot to throw in slavery, the plague, and let’s be honest, it’s mostly Trump’s fault that we have lawns)

Reimink says that the problem is “uniquely American.” Uhm, have you ever traveled? There are lawns in every country all over the world. It’s cities that don’t have them. And even they do their best with green spaces on roofs and the sides of buildings.

If I have a lawn, it’s because I want one and I can afford it. I bet you have a bunch of things that I don’t like. I don’t get to tell you not to have them because you own them. If you’re so upset that lawns are ruining the environment, why do you live in a single-family home? What about the heating bills associated with that? Do you shower every day? How dare you. And I bet you own a car that guzzles gas and spits out emissions. So why are you hating on lawns?

What about crops? If you hate lawns, surely you hate GMO crops. But they reduce water consumption. So should we ban non-GMO crops for the greater good? We could even ban non-GMO crops for personal use, because Wickard v. Filburn.

If you’re not part of a homeowner’s association, why don’t you just let your lawn grow? Be the change you wish to see in the world. Maybe you’ll start a movement of people who hate capitalism so much that they don’t mow their lawns but do buy homes that they heat and shower at will. On the other hand, if you are part of a homeowner’s association, you can experience the joys of living in a collective where you have no choice.

Finally, if mowing your lawn is not how you want to quote “channel my ambitions and exhausted dreams,” why not hire out the service and create a job? What about one of those push mowers that don’t use any gas? Alternatively, why not buy a house in the woods where not having a lawn isn’t out of place? Finally, there’s always the goat-on-a-leash option. Oh, I kid.

You call the American dream a “false promise,” but you have a house and a job. That sounds American dreamy to me. Was writing for the Record Eagle your “ambitions and exhausted dreams?” Just sayin.

The Record Eagle hates lawns and capitalism. But don’t worry, journalists never bring their personal biases into their writing.

This blog was brought to you by capitalism.

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